Personal Trainer NYC - ClientB

Saturday, July 22, 2006

Fat Esme Bleeds for You

It's Esme. I have my period and I feel as if every ride I've taken on the stationary bike has left me right where I started. This is literal. I've passed the scenery and the painted cardboard is crumbling with each step I take. It isn't the platform shoes, the agenda, or the bullet-ridden self-esteem. It's the part of being a woman that keeps every woman wanting else.
It isn't that I don't appreciate getting my period. After all, getting it proves to me that, above all else, I am healthy enough to be functioning regularly. It's like when the bank statement comes in the mail, without fail, Yes, You've Spent, But You're Still Part Of Our Estableshment. We're Still Holding On To A Part Of You. It Will Be Okay.
No, I'm not quoting.
It's about to pour again and it's a Saturday Morning and in a few minutes, I will have to do just what it is that I do for a living. I'll have 20-40 people up here in my studio, smiling at me, complaining at me, asking questions, wanting things. I'll spend the next several hours trying to make people feel good about themselves.
I wish I had a life understudy. I wish I could call her and stay in bed.
I tried to exercise this morning. I did.
I just feel like every muscle is wasting into a pit of fat-filled flesh. My guts are the Twinkie Cream and my skin is nothing but hardened-preserved, cake-like product.
Well, at least Twinkies could survive nuclear attacks.
At least I'm bleeding.
love, esme

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Fat Esme Is Global Warming

Wow. Terri wrote in my blog. That's like going on a vacation for a while and coming back to find your apartment painted by the building management. Or like, finding that a roommate put a box of cookies in your side of the cabinet. Whichever. She also wrote:
"there's lots going on with you guys...but i'm not seeing it in the blogs :)" Which is just another friendly reminder to litter this cyber corner with my verbal purge. If only fat cells could be shed by verbosity.
Sometimes it seems like overweight people are in a better disposition. They'll smile more, laugh more easily, and openly appreciate attention. I feel like a bitter fat person. I know of course, that a lot of things can be a "front", a lot of emotions are projected to make up for pools of insecurities, a lot of jovial facial expressions are fighting the tears and blow-pops cover alcohol breath and weird jaw lines. But I digress... Don't I?
Anyway, I swear to god, I've been exercising all the time. Cucumbers and celery don't have a lot of calories. Coffee is excellent. (I know...) But back to it, there's an excellent place in the west village called McNulty's Coffee... it's run by an asian father and son who look italian and have jewish accents. I recommend the Organic Peruvian. The Organic Galapagos is a little bit too dark. Go with the Peruvian. Sweeten with Stevia and Nonfat Westsoy. You can't go wrong. (I know...)
I've been using 15 pound weights and also doing push-ups and crunches. Some friends have said I look thinner, but it's this really long miserable process and I think that even if I've lost some weight, it's only the incentive to realize that I can actually lose some of me and keep working harder and harder to get down to a normal size. Jesus, man, I just want to fit through the subway doors. When they say "Stand Clear of The Closing Doors" they are referring to me. The rest goes... "Because We Want to Close Them and Get This God-Damned Train Moving. Esme. Out!"
And it's so hot outside, I feel like my body is the sun, collapsing onto the tiny planet that can barely spin with the force of me smothering it. I am global warming.
And somewhere Al Gore is up in his cherry picker pointing to a spot at the top of his graph, mentioning nothing about factory farming being the number one producer of methane gas. Yes, cow shit. Screw SUV's. You can drive all the SUV's you want and it wouldn't equal your hamburger's cost to the environment.
There's a lot to worry about and I can't wait to be thinner to be more productive.
And if you think this is indulgent, remember: you are reading a stranger's blog.
Terri is amazing.
love, esme

Thursday, July 06, 2006

Defying Celeb-Reality

I get emails about these blogs :) yes, people write me and ask me if these people are real, and I can only say - YES! LOLOL, If I could make all this up I'd be a highly paid screenwriter. I'm not nearly as entertaining or as clever as Esme is, but while part of her argues with me about body image there's also the part of her that's glad I'm not accepting what she's serving.

Esme has reached her goal - and it takes time for the brain's old patterns to get used to the new body it's living in. Negativity dies hard. But I'm here to keep trying.

Many times I have to tell clients what they need to hear - and most times they don't like it. But....I do it anyway, and hope they see where I'm coming from and trust that it's coming from a HEALTHY place.

It's about a healthy place. Not a 'skinny at all costs' place. Not a 'train through injury for no reason' place - I'm not the trainer to come to if you're trying to be Nicole Richie. Someone please feed that girl some protein and hand her a dumbell or two. Shes become very pointy.